The do or The die

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There was always an easy way out. The one that made everybody that cared about you happy. It was a way that would make my mama proud and my dad nod.  It seemed to me to be the die in the do or die and each time the contemplation brought me to my bed and I lay there half dead. Penning down the thoughts of all the things I could be doing instead of sitting here and wishing that I had the strength. To just get up and make my mama  proud or to wake up a disappointment in her eyes. I had to decide. I had to do what I felt like, but all I felt like was numb. Reaching for my future with the claws of my imagination. Imagining how things could have been different. How things could have made all of us happy. She was yelling again, it was probably something he had said about something he had observed. And I just beckoned. Putting two and two together, trying to justify my selfish acts. Justify the do, or the die, decide what I was feeling tonight