The thing I really want is to be happy

Yes, happiness. It has become number one on my list of wanted! And they say it is a state of mind. How then can I attain it when I relive the cold tendencies in this crooked world in the solitude of my mind? How can I convince my brain that the bad things all around me are there to challenge my mind and trick it into becoming happy anyway? That I can be happy alone? That I can be happy and disappointed? Or happy and sad if such a thing exists. Happy and overwhelmed. Happy and stressed out. Happy and bailing out. Happy and still trying….

Just how bad do I want this happy? Too bad I am afraid. I am a firm believer of the notion of never giving up, I know I can be if I remain diligent in my attempt. That if I fake it long enough I will eventually make it. The negative feelings always seem to subdue the positive ones though. Happiness is a destination I guess, one I am not quite sure is embedded in the map of my lonely journey of life. Time will tell. And when I am old and living off my pension or return on some investments, I may look back and wish that I had been strong enough to dare to be happy in the face of adversaries. Or contrary to that I will try and figure out how I went through so many years pretending to be a happy I never got to know.

And they say the less intelligent manage emotions better. Very true. How can I be happy when I spend so much time pondering on things I have no control of? Then again, it is said do not bother yourself of any of these two things. Things you can change and things you cannot change. It is in this state that you know how to handle each case. Fix it or live it. Yes live it, or just die trying. Gasp. Ignorance really is bliss. For a split second, I become desperate to abandon each life lesson, expectation, reality, knowledge or wisdom so I too can eat my share of the chunk of happy ignorant people are enjoying. Take myself less seriously. Take everything less seriously. Take happiness less seriously. Ha-ha! What is the damn formula?? Love and be loved? Oops dead end, let’s try another route, one which doesn’t depend on a third party’s input to become workable. How about…? Buy you everything you ever wanted. Nzii, a firewall! Oh yeah, marginal propensity to spend. I shoulda figured that out. I can only spend so much. And I sure as hell can’t buy with money I ain’t got. Oh God, what am I to do now? God!! That’s it. I’ll just pray. If there ever is one way to get the desires of one’s heart it is through prayer.

This is so much hard work, and it brings me less of happy than it does stress. And stress and happy are mutually independent. They are the flip side of one coin. I’m tossed back and forth, because when I am stressed I am not happy and when I become happy I forget my stress, and then what when I am stressed because I could not be happy long enough to kick out the stress. Oh Lord, how can I? The thing I just want, I really want is to be happy.

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