I love you more than you’ll ever know

Today I saw you. And no I wasn’t dreaming. I know we have not been since the day I said we were through. I also know you are miles away. But I saw you. You were smiling. Not sure if it is me you were smiling at. Then again, you have always been the happy one. You started speaking. It seemed as though you were explaining something. I couldn’t hear you. I have forgotten how your voice sounds. One thing I remember is that it always carried some feeling. Sometimes confused. But mostly merry. I hated it when you were merry. It had a high pitched tone and you would forget that unlike you I was a sad person. I didn’t want to fly off in your happy spaceship. I wanted to be firm and deal with the demons that tormented me from inside my head. I needed you to help me stand. To silence the voices that crept up as I rested from time to time reminding me of all your shortfalls. Your shortfalls. That is the reason we had to take a break, because no matter how much I trusted you, you would always hurt me. I asked you, time and again to “please don’t hurt me.” Instead, it would become about how I am the one who could hurt you. But how could I hurt you when you held my heart in the palm of your hands and I lay helpless at your mercy. So you never stopped, you just carried on. Your justification – you were being you. I thought you did all that so I could see you as the man you were cut out to be. But no sane man would ever purposefully hurt his woman. Not when it had consequences. Consequences. You did not seem to care about them. It is like you were begging me to. To shout. To analyze. To fix you. To break away from you. And I never really counted how many times it was before I thought I was strong enough to leave you be. To let you be you without hurting me. Even now when I have, I know I did not do it from strength. It was just courage, I am still weak enough to need you.

Chances are we shall meet again in life someday. Good note? Possibly. I would fight to pretend all was well and that we never happened. Bad note? I would give you hell for doing such things like making me write such a story about us when I could be penning down all the wonderful moments our future carried. Like how I planned on going around the world with you. Or the names I had given to our unborn babies. I had it all planned down to the last detail. And it was shattered by the reality that you maybe did not love me the way that I did. Or you did not care for me in such a way as to try and do so. And I hoped, for the love of God, that you did but just struggled to find a way that you would tell me, show me, commensurate our love. Love. That word. It took me to one of two places, back to the thought of you, and forward to the dreams of you. You and I, somewhere on the face of the earth, doing what we knew best, finding peace in each other’s company. And even now that we are no more, it is hard to say that I never think of you, for you are the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when I go to bed and just when something happens I pick up my phone to tell you, only to the sad realization that I can’t. Not anymore. Not since the time you pretended to not know that it was me on the other end of the line.

Without you. I am vain. All I know is pain. My pride tells me to uphold my previously communicated standpoint. And yet I can’t wait for you to come back to me. Thanking me for giving you a break. And that you have grown and realized that we were the great team we were purported to be. That I am still the girl you want to marry only, now you are fully aware of it, and it is not something you would only be brave to tell me when you drunk text me.

One question! Do we throw all that away and admit we have failed? Failed meaning we were trying. But you said we were not trying. We were doing it. Everything references to what you said in the past. And everything you said contradicts what we have become. I wonder what you would say of us now. That is if you ever think about us. I think of us all the time. I am paralyzed. I cannot move on to a day without you so I let every part of my life go and I leave the feelings right where they were with you. And yet every time those feelings look up to where I have successfully landed and plead me to draw you into the picture so they may have  a part to play in my today. I am a mess. You may never want to go back to that. Knowing you as I do, you do not care. About how I feel, or what I think. It is just like the good old times. When I would relay a story to you with the hope that you may find interest or maybe pretend to care. LOL.  Sorry I laughed, I can’t help it. Nothing much changes. I am bruised either side of the equation. If only I could format my memory and bury the thoughts of you. That would be my only hope, right? Because no matter how badly you hurt me, I haven’t learnt to unlove you. I loath you, and your adamant, selfish, inhuman way of ‘handling’ me.  Yet I wait on you, because I love you more than you will ever know.