Today you texted. You called me baby. Again! Sometimes you say, “my love” or “sweetheart”. I will admit how much I love the name calling. Asking you to stop would be like asking you to not be you, I guess. I read your text. Once. Two times. Thrice. Man, I can’t stop smiling. I float on a cloud of oblivion because right at that moment I drown in the joy of knowing that I, oh yes I stand a chance with you as your “baby”. God knows what that would do to me. All good things I know. Abruptly the truth bursts my happy bubble and the curtains draw to close the show of the day. I cannot be your baby. At least not now. And I get high with the thought that maybe one day I too will have the same chance that you have given her. It is like I just realized that, you call her baby too. Difference is you love her, right? And I don’t know if you even like me. I would ask you, but I think I know what you would say. You would say, “Baby, it’s complicated. I can’t leave her.” I know not what exactly you would be implying, but I guess it means I am not worth all that, you cannot leave her for me!
Remember when we started and you kept saying that we were making memories. Yeah, you should. Well, those memories choke me each time they revisit me as I slumber on my bed wondering what it is I ever did to deserve this. And I blame myself. It is all my fault. I should not have consented. Not when you were fully aware where you wanted to take this. Us. That is if you even intended to take me anywhere. I doubt that pretty much. But I could never ask you. You know why. You said I should stop with the poetry. Well, I never stopped. I couldn’t. I can’t. I just took it elsewhere. And I stopped retelling you of the story of how much knowing you has compromised me in every way possible. Like when you ask me to come over and I say no. Yeah, you always have a way of coming back to that. To how much pride I have. Choosing to be a lonely girl with all my integrity rather than have you take that integrity and pull me down with the guilt of knowing that no matter how many times I come to your rescue and how many ‘memories’ we make together, you know and have always known who your heart belongs to.
You should know, that each time I say no though I hurt you-almost and I hurt myself in turn, it gives me power. Because then I know you want me, but unless and until you earn me, I will not dignify you by obliging to your demands. So next time you are in town and I say no again and you do not afford me a courtesy call because of my predisposition, remember that with me you will ALWAYS have to earn it and when you do not work for it, you probably are not getting much value from me. But I love you. Yup, I do. Do not worry, not in that way. I only say that because I do not want you to look at me with pity and explain to me, AGAIN, that you can’t leave her. I know. And I can’t please you either. I will not be there for you. For what reason must I give myself to a person who looks at me through the eyes of an option and not a priority? I have learned one too many lessons from risking my heart. I will not do it again. The experiments have yielded and I have no more willpower.
I texted back, “hey dear, what’s up?” and you would never know the things I go through whenever we chat. I give you what you need, I will forever do. But only so that you would get what you deserve. I know what I deserve. ALL or NOTHING. I will not ask you umpteen times, what we are doing or where we are taking this and everything in between my hopes and doubts. I know just what I will do. I will do me. If you are not happy. Good. And if you are. Good. I will not pull back from staining my notepad with my heart’s bleeding ink. I will tell my story. Raise my head high. Be the person I was meant to be. And when you finally have the courage to “leave her” I will expect you to work for it. Because I am worth it all, baby. And until that day comes, until I am the one you want and I honor you in turn, all my pride is all I have!